i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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