I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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