Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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