I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize