do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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