3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
