I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
