Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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