kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
