How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
