Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Randomize
