Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
