After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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