I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
