Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
