i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize