We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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