he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
