I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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