I met the friendliest cop last night
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
my poor anus
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
