puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
