i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
