remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just google imaged poop.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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