it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
