life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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