Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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