3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize