She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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