you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
