Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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