and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
