Don't make out with my wife yet
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize