Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
