They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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