i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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