OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
