Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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