They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
