so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
