dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
