He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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