I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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