woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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