how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
