so that wasnt chicken after all
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
