i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
