so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
