Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
