I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
