So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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