Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
