theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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