What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
