I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize