does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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