I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
