Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
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