textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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