Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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