He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
