Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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