Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
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