he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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