Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
