You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
