all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
