Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
NoShamevember. You game?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
