$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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