When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
