I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
